IDK WHY I'M BUILT SO FLY
No lie.
Oh my.
I am a mom. Sometimes I can't sleep. I'm big on body positivity. I talk a lot about sex and relationships, mostly mine. Sometimes NSFW.
i am in so much fucking pain
i would probably pay for the strongest drugs i can obtain that won’t kill me
that is how desperate i am
have you ever been in so much pain you have a fleeting thought of “oh what if i just cut it off/out” yeah well if you’re a girl you’ve thought this about your uterus i’m sure
and right now if my throat wasn’t in the same vicinity of my aorta that thought would not be so fleeting
dear christ almighty just make it stop
how many over the counter pain pills can i take without dying?
-hot toddy? won’t work.
-gargling 190* tea? won’t help.
-honey? won’t help
-any other ideas besides begging someone for vicodin or something?
1 note
*doing homework*
- grandpa: are you at a point where you can talk
- me: no
- grandpa: well........
- me: YEAH WELL TOO BAD
i really hate the saying “im going to ride him like a horse”
no i rode a horse once and it was terrifying, someone had to help me on and then i couldnt get off the damn thing without the assistance of 4 men
i used to say this sometimes but i was really looking forward to the time when 4 men come to assist me afterwards
4 notes (via thelittleconsultingmermaid)
So the story behind this- ***TMI warning***:
Bowie had pooped, and I had cleaned it, and he kept telling me, “Mommy there’s poop in my butt, there’s poop in my butt”, while scratching his butt.
Well, I was like no, he just is being a little devil and ignored him, told him to play with his toys and that Mommy was sure there was no poop because I had cleaned it all out.
(Well, unbeknownst to Mommy) He had sharted.
Yep. And I just didn’t listen until I heard, “Mommy there’s shit in my butt.”
No, no, he didn’t say that, he never curses.
“MOM MOMMY MOM MOM”
“MOMMY THERE IS SHIT IN MY BUTT. SHIT IN MY BUTT.”
There is what in your butt?
“SHIT”
ps: i don’t teach my kid these words, he only repeats my grandmother’s explosive, emotion expletives and then only once.
2 notes
Apparently
we are all horny mofos tonight.
Like, more so than usual.
i’ve not been laid in months and i forget what horny feels like
my sex life is sad and nonexistent
38 notes (via thatonerecordstoreguy & sarahsmilesawhile)
When every guy I’ve ever dated comes out of the woodwork in the same week
and I’m like..
omFG RELATABLE
342 notes (via stubbernlove & myfriendsaremarried)
Guys what if the reason Sam grew to be taller than Dean was because he was the one who got to eat while Dean had to sit by and starve so his little brother wouldn’t be hungry; therefore not getting enough nourishment to grow. He’s still tall as fuck though.
SLOW DOWN THERE SATAN
No who’s bringing this back? Why is this getting notes again. Stop.
let’s make this a popular text post
i thought the same thing! nourishment also plays a role in the development of the brain so that’s why he’s so damned intelligent too
7,166 notes (via thelittleconsultingmermaid & novemberrain93)
me: [ten chapters into a fanfic] i think i’ve read this before
LOL what are you even talking about I’ve never been in your room
8,087 notes (via captainnaustralia & agentbartowski)
sfux:
i feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together
123,290 notes (via thesethreefingersaregod & sfux)
lovely
Seriously?!!! Beautiful!!
Thank you! If it’s humid, I probably won’t wear makeup because it’ll melt off. :( The downside of being a sweaty beast in the heat.
3 notes
look ma no makeup
Ugh mesh blanket ? Mesh at the top where I can breathe. That’s be an idea but not light-proof
(Source: makefunnypics)
13,527 notes (via marfmellow & makefunnypics)
i was feeling really ambitious with the amount of alcohol i put in my glass
60% is apple pucker and crown. oopsies.
4 notes
Page 1 of 312